


Bruise Ego

by Kattwyllie



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Explicit Language, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 16:27:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29404788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kattwyllie/pseuds/Kattwyllie
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	Bruise Ego

Letting out a weary sigh you poured what was left of the bottle of wine into your glass, your eyes darting to the rack on top of the fridge to ensure there was a back up one there, it had been a long night. Rafael was late, too late, so late in fact that he’d stood you up. You had the restaurant pack up your order and brought it home figuring you may as well at least be at home if you had to eat alone.

When you first got involved with Rafael you knew he was a busy man, that work kept him doing crazy hours, all nighters, and occasionally sleeping in his office. You were okay with that, you were an independent woman, you valued your own time, you also knew the value that your time had and you weren’t about to share it with someone who didn’t deserve it. Lately, Raf had been falling into that category, hell, today? He was number one on the list of that category.

Usually he’d text, or call, unless he was so wrapped up in work he simply hadn’t realized the time and when your name would flash on his phone he would be a world of apologies. He’d also always make it up to you. You’d gotten used to the occasional failed date, you still loved each other, you moved in together, yet, two years later (to the exact date) you were starting to feel like you weren’t even his second choice anymore. 

You sunk back a large gulp of wine, trying to reason with yourself, trying to ignore the part of you that was worried something had happened to him, but you knew if that was the case, Olivia would’ve called. Right as you were about to say fuck it and grab a second bottle of wine you heard his keys in the lock, the door shifting open as your eyes darted to the clock.

“Two thirty a.m? That’s a new record.” You greetly coldly. Rafael glanced up in your direction, the small stumble as he dumped his coat confirmed your suspicion of him being drunk.

“Why’re you still up?”

“You can’t be serious.” You sighed, grabbing the fresh bottle of wine to pour yourself a glass. Your movement brought Rafael’s attention to the dress you still had on, how elegantly you were done up and he silently realized he’d missed your anniversary dinner. 

“M’sorry.” He mumbled.

“You’ve been saying that so much recently it’s lost its integrity.” You corked the bottle, taking a swig, “where the hell were you?”

“Working late.”

“Really?” You cocked a brow, “‘cause when I called Carmen at seven she said you never came back after court.”

“We lost the case, I felt horrible…this poor girl”-

“You sure it was the vic and not the bruises on your ego that make you go wild? You realize you get annoying as fuck everytime you take a hit, right?”

“It was a tough case, I just needed to vent, calm down for a bit.”

“So you chose to go out drinking with Olivia rather than attend our anniversary dinner? Chose to ignore your phone? I know it’s hard for you, but it’s not fair! You can’t just stay out all night everytime you have a bad day.”

“I’m sorry. Carino I’m so sorry. Oliva just…understands it in a way you don’t.”

“Because you keep me completely shut out Rafael! If you ever bothered talking to me about your work I’d be _able_ to understand.”

“I don’t want you all wrapped up in that world, you know that! I can make it through without dragging you down with me.”

“Is it that? Is it that you don’t think I can handle the gruesome crimes? Or is that you don’t want to let yourself be vulnerable in front of me?” He balked at that and you knew you’d hit the nail on the head, “I already told you that I’m right here.”

“I don’t need you to baby me!” Great, now he was getting defensive, this was headed in a wonderful direction.

“I’m not trying to baby you Rafael! I’m trying to remind you that I don’t need you to be strong enough for the both of us, you’re allowed to have an emotional side! You’re allowed to break down, even to me, especially to me!”

“You’re saying you don’t need me?”

Selective hearing of course, only hearing what he wanted to, what he could pick an argument with, something to focus in on and ignore the actual root of the problem. Like always.

“Well I’ve been doing pretty damn fine without you these past few weeks.” You shot, taking another sip of wine your eyes began to glass over, your voice softer the next time you spoke, “maybe this isn’t even worth fighting for…”

“Are..are you saying you want to end it?” His entire demeanour shrunk, worry etching across his face as he watched you wipe away a stray tear.

“I’m saying that despite the past two years…you refuse to let me in. Some days I feel like I don’t even know you at all.”

“I love you…”

“Yet you _chose_ to bury yourself at the bottom of a bottle of scotch rather than celebrate our anniversary. You _actively_ ignored me today, and that hurts a hundred times more than just being forgotten about. It doesn’t even feel like I have a boyfriend most days, so why even bother?”

“What about Valentine’s Day?” You nearly snorted at that, gulping back more wine.

“You care more about a commercial holiday than our anniversary, why am I not surprised?”

“But..the Gala…” he protested and your jaw went slack as you shook your head at him.

“I can’t fucking believe you. Here you go again about how your work functions are important enough to never forget, that I _have_ to go to only to be ignored once we’re there? You do realize there’s more to a relationship than being arm candy, right?”

“I’m”-

“Save it.” You glared, standing from the island. “Give me five minutes to change, I’ll sleep in the guest room. We can discuss this when you don’t smell like a distillery.” Swiftly moving past him without a second glance you disappeared into the bedroom, returning to the hall a few minutes later only to vanish into the guest room, the door slamming shut hard enough to make Rafael wince. 

Truthfully, when your name flashed across his phone earlier that evening he knew _exactly_ what day it was, he knew what time he was supposed to meet you at the restaurant. The first couple of texts he at least read, the friendly happy reminders to not work too late, that you couldn’t wait to celebrate. Little texts that wouldn’t come off as nagging when they slightly were your way of saying _‘don’t fucking forget this’_. He’d checked the time, made a mental note, but continued drinking with Liv and Fin. There was a sense of camaraderie, they all worked the same kind of job, saw the same kind of horrors, they understood it on a different level. Sure, he could have tried to open up to you about it, but he didn’t want to, especially on your anniversary. Before he knew it, it was well past your reservation time and he figured he may as well stay out and keep going until you were hopefully passed out at home. 

You were right…he had actively ignored you tonight. Not just forgotten.

*  
When you awoke the next morning you weren’t surprised to find the apartment empty, at least Rafael had scheduled the coffee to brew a fresh pot around the time you usually got up on your days off. Your phone had no messages, there wasn’t anything scrawled on the pad on the fridge, it seemed he had given up just as much as you had at this point. 

You gulped down the coffee, munching on some toast while you thought over what you wanted to do. Although you already knew what you needed to do, you couldn’t stay in something like this, it wasn’t healthy, for either of you. As much as you loved him, you needed someone who actually showed up, who made your time as valuable as theirs was to you. It was with a heavy sigh that you wiped away a tear, turning back to the bedroom to start to pack up the essentials, you could come back later for anything else.

Raf surprised you by coming home halfway through the day, lunch in hand, potentially as an apology. He stalled at the sight of a couple of bags stacked up in the entrance way, hesitantly calling out into the apartment. You cringed at the sound of his voice, wishing you had a few more hours to prep before having to have this conversation, but it was now or never. Padding down the hallway you emerged into the open kitchen/living room, a slightly nervous expression on your face.

“You…made your choice?” Rafael greeted quietly.

“Uh..yeah.” You wrapped your arms around yourself, “I’m sorry Raf, I really am…but I can’t keep doing this.”

“You don’t have to go…stay in the guest room until you figure things out..maybe we can work through this?”

“No…” your voice wavered, “if I don’t go…we’ll just be reliving this a few months down the road, and it’ll be much worse.”

“Are you sure?” His eyes glazed over, voice shaking slightly at the thought of you turning your back on him to never return.

“Yeah.” You sighed, “I love you Raf, I really do, and I know you have the potential to make a very lucky girl incredibly happy one day, but that girl isn’t me.”

“What if I want it to be?”

“Then it’s too late.” You wiped away a tear you weren’t sure where it came from, “I need more than you’re currently willing to give me and I’m done wasting my time waiting for you to be ready.”

“What…what can I do?” Rafael wasn’t sure at this point if he was asking what would make you change your mind, or what he needed to change in order to have a successful relationship in the future. Though, maybe they were both combined, maybe he’d be able to focus on things enough that he could win you back further down the road. You sighed heavily, leaning against the back of the couch.

“You need to be more present Raf. I get that your job is demanding, and that you _suck_ at remembering things not work related, but a partner deserves their time with you to be spent actually _with_ you. You did a decent job at that during the first few months but it started to slip as you got comfortable, when you were finished with the charming stage, that you knew you had me. You need to keep that going.” He nodded at your words, slowly realizing all the times he’d placed other things in front of you on his to do list, he was starting to wonder why you’d put up with him as long as you had. “But I think the most important thing is that you need to be open…”

“I…thought I was..”

“About us, yes.” You countered, “but I mean about you. You lock everything up inside, you shut everyone out of your emotions when you start to feel down or struggling. You need to be able to talk about that, to cry about it, and when you love someone, you should be able to bare your soul to them. Not shove them aside for a bottle of scotch when all they want is to _help you_.”

“I’m sorry..” he mumbed.

“I know…” you took a deep breath, “you’ll figure it out someday. You’re a brillliant man Rafael, I know you’ll break down that wall, I’m just sorry it couldn’t have been with me.”

“Me too.” Tears glassed his eyes at the confirmation that it truly was over, mirroring the ones in your own as your phone buzzed.

“That’s Kelly…she’s outside.” You glanced up at him, “you know how she is. It’s probably best if you pretend you’re not here.”

“Of course.” 

He dropped the takeout on the counter, urging you to take it with you so it wouldn’t be wasted. Then he made the bold move of pulling you into a hug, though you returned it with just as much tightness. As much as all of this was breaking your heart, there was still a part of you that loved Rafael, that hoped he would learn from this and grow into an incredible partner. 

You knew that in the long run, it wouldn’t be you that would be able to help him, but someone would. It stung, having to collect your things from the apartment, to start to build a new life for yourself, but at least this way you weren’t sitting alone getting hurt on the regular basis while you pretended everything was okay. 

While Rafael Barba being in your life had been a very important part for those two years, as time went on, you knew it wasn’t endgame. He’d helped you grow, and you could only hope that you’d done the same for him. You both deserved it.


End file.
